Sale! Sale! Sale!

Due to circumstances slightly beyond my control, my economic condition hasn’t been very robust of late. The need to hence part with some of my treasured belongings has pressed itself upon me. Something similar to what the westerners call a “garage sale”, the difference being in this case that I do not own a garage.

Before I describe the valuables up for sale, I would like to remind the reader that these are priceless items, and their value is something intrinsic, and can hardly be judged by current market prices. One has to consider the entire range of experiences associated with each of these items. Also, no bargaining or exchange offers are permitted. Take it, or leave it.

ITEM 1: A white Ipod Nano. Memory capacity: 1GB.

This Ipod has seen it all over the last 4 years. Its been all over India – from Kolkata to Jaipur, and from Delhi to Bangalore. According to certain legends, it is supposed to have a discerning music taste of its own, and try as one might, one cannot play shitty music on it.

A vintage model, it spearheaded the fight against pretenders like the Microsoft Zune, which was endorsed by a fat blob. A word to the wise though – this Ipod is a known chick-magnet, and the owner might incur the envy of lesser mortals who do not own it, or own paper-weights like the Zune.

While it is very difficult to put a label on this, I guess a sum of Rs. 50,000, while hardly being suitable compensation, would be a sizable fraction of its actual worth. I would also like to mention that a connecting cable and earphones come free with this Ipod.

ITEM 2: A Seiko Automatic 21 jewels wrist-watch.

There are wrist-watches, and then there is the Seiko Automatic 21 jewels. Or rather the Seiko Automatic 21 jewels. As the name suggests, this chronometer is automatic i.e. it does not use a battery, and is hence completely environment-friendly. In fact, its so amazing, that is always running ahead of time (from a minimum of 15 minutes to a maximum of 45 minutes), thus ensuring that its owner is never late, and also increasing his efficiency. It is verily the apogee of clock-making genius.

After reading this, one is naturally prompted to ask – “what then, pray you, is this engineering marvel worth?” Well, the good news is that I am not looking to make a profit, and am ready to accept Rs 59,999.99 for it.

ITEM 3: A Pair of Shoes, size 9.

Yes, I am talking about those shoes. The ones which graced the posterior of Mr. Chirag Mittal, ex-convener of the students senate, at the last ever Hall 1 Hall-day. The ones which resulted in the famous discourse on “battameeji”. They also happen to be among the few pieces of footwear to have been used by Mr. Armish Sonkar, which have not been thrown at somebody. As a bonus with these shoes, I am throwing in my brown wallet, as I find lesser and lesser use for it day by day. I believe it’s really cheap just for Rs. 15499.99.

Anyone interested in any of the items on sale are requested to contact me urgently – I cannot guarantee how long these items will be available. Visa and Master Cards will be accepted.

Ads yet again.

So there's this Reid&Taylor advertisement that's been around for sometime now. And I have grown sick of it. Because its stupid.
Consider the lyrics/dialogue/horse faeces that Big B dishes out:

"Somewhere between a busy airport and a busy schedule,
Is a moment when you realise
A book is really a machine for time travel
Love can be a feeling shared by strangers
A film set is not about work or the movies

And somehwere between work and work and more work,
Is a childhood, that's not just for children.
And there is a road that's not about destination,
Miles or minutes,
Somewhere you know, there are just 86400 moments to a day.

Dress code - Reid and Taylor"

The first time you watch this ad, you begin liking it somewhat - you feel its poetic etc, but then all of a sudden, just when you begin thinking maybe now Big B is going to tell us the truth of life or impart some great piece of wisdom, or tell us how many microseconds there are in a day - he comes up with something like "Dress Code - Reid And Taylor", and all you can react is "WTF?" You are surprised, and shocked. The second time, as the ad begins, you dismiss your initial reaction as a freak occurrence, and tell yourself that something like that couldn't have happened, and maybe watching too much television impairs one's intellect. Yet again you get hypnotised by the baritone, and then BANG! "Dress Code Reid And Taylor". By this time, you have almost decided never to buy a reid and taylor outfit ever. And slowly, with more exposure to it, you slowly become numb to its effects. Your brain automatically deactivates when you see it.

The closest this I found to this ad was this haiku I read sometime back on uncyclopedia:

The surf on the rocks,

Gentle rain falls on cedars,

I will fuck you raw.

We never did leave Hall 1

We need a pogrom against naxalites and their sympathisers in this country. "Ideological cleansing" would probably describe the idea better. Communism is a pernicious ideal, and should be rooted out. Covert operations should be initiated to target and eliminate the ones running the naxal movement, and their financiers.Similar to this. And the government needs to bring development to the naxal-infested areas. Without that, it will not be possible to get rid of these pests permanently.

Princely Employment Opportunities.

Read this article about how the ex-crown prince of Nepal, Prince Paras is alleged to have links with dawood ibrahim's fake currency racket. Things like this make you think. What must he have been thinking? What could explain his actions? Was he looking for a job, now that the monarchy had been abolished? Was the recession also affecting the blue-bloods? Very curious about this case, I went about scouting, and guess what I found in the “Royal Employment Weekly”:

Your Latest High

There’s a new hallucinogen in the market. Its extremely potent, and its just a few steps away at your nearest paan-ki-dukaan. It goes under the name of Halls Metho Lyptus. One would be naïve in thinking that is was just a new menthol product to hit the markets. Once you have watched the advertisement, you can be cleared of all such misconceptions. Picture this:

You are in an over-crowded Indian station, waiting for your train, which, true to Indian Railways Standard, is running late. Its hot, and suffocating. What do you need at such a juncture? Why Halls Mentho lyptus ofcourse. The protagonist, very conveniently happened to be in possession of one of these. He pops it into his mouth, and voila – the effect is instantaneous. Out of nowhere, right in the middle of the platform, the poor guy gets hit by a snowball. He looks around to search for the culprit, and guess what – he finds an arctic polar bear throwing another one of the missiles at him. In the meantime, some Uchiha has started singing “Sharingaaaaaaaa” followed by the sounds of someone shivering in the intense arctic cold. Normally, when faced with a polar bear, people turn on their backs and run, only to be chased by the bear, and then meet a gruesome death. However, this bear turns out to be very pally(I am not sure, but quite possibly, the bear had one of the halls lozenges too), and the two of them then start performing a duet which might very well have appeared in the next Govinda-starrer. Unfortunately however, the effect is not very long-lasting, and all of a sudden, the poor guy realizes that he’s been performing the ballet with thin air. A group of old ladies who were sitting some distance away happened to be the only souls in the platform who noticed his virtuoso performance. They look at him, and then start smiling knowingly. Whether it was because they knew the effects of Halls Mentho Lyptus, or whether they just enjoyed watching a guy make a complete ass out of himself in the middle of a railway platform, is something only they can tell. What you realize however, after watching the commercial, is that a high is just a Halls Mentho Lyptus away. And that polar bears are good shots.